Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Fellow White People: "Why Are We Such Turds?"

I just got done watching the Sign O' The Times video and I gotta tell ya, we caucazoids sure do suck compared to other ethninticities. Let me rephrase: white American people, because European anybody is pretty cool (that might be because they're exotic though; I bet Germans think Americans are the coolest and Germans all blow compared to the coolness of Miami.) Actually, let me boil this down again: white American musicians. Because actors are all pretty much cool, as are models and hotel conceirges, but white American musicians, and those trying to emulating white American musicians, my god, it's lack a train wreck of practically tatooed on frowns (in black and white, no less, which the obligatory wacky picture, usually via wide open mouthed Bono pose, to show these cares are saving SOMETHING but also really like letting loose every now and then, like in World War 2 movies where the guys have a laugh over cigarrettes in between their next battles with Nazis as they watch their childhoods being blown away limb by limb). It seems that the only way to be cool AND white is to A) be a female or B)embrace super whiteness (not KKK) in all its Northern Indiana glory like Metallica. Now we've boiled it down to white American males. And there are some cool whiteos family jewel holders out there (who are still alive and whose releases are relevant to culture, not just boomers from X generation). The Strokes, White Stripes, and Justin Timberlake are out in there being effortlessly cool, probably because they don't have to try at all (despite doing so heavily, but they succeed heavily). For the most part white people music is a tight monument of gas station worker clothes, lack of movement in the limbs, fear of having to be exciting to excite and audience, and talks of the pains of being young, single, white, middle class, and having a pretty solid inheritance plan coming your way. I'm speaking of musicians by the way, seeing as how most people's lives on the planet suck. The same goes for musicians. We're all miserably bastards. There's just something infinitely more awesome about Prince talking about it over, say, Pinback (sorry fellas). And, yeah, if everybody looked like super heroes then the garage clothes thing would be what I'd be rooting for (as that is what happened with Nirvana and Co. in the 90s), but still, I prefer a blindfolded guitarist in ninja gear rocking some insane solo over that eveybody's favorite poe faced Pitchfork reader analyzing their beautiful pain. For all of our claims that doing cool things like dressing up and putting on a good show are sure fire signs of ego, theres nothing more self indulgent than practically screaming "Feel bad for me and yourself!" (right alongside long winded, lack of paragraphed blog posts). How many more times am I going to have to see some white boy do that "smell the air and purse my lips like the Rock" move during a slow song wherease Prince does three splits and mic slide during his slow song, or Beyonce just sings the damn song (with white doves, natch)? What happened to being men as opposed to part of the weiney patrol 5000? Basically, all I'm saying is, everything white needs a whole lot more Prince.


Blogger Brownie said...

Speak for yourself.

12:41 PM  
Blogger Team said...

I think when I say that, I really mean "Why does Panic At The Disco exist?"

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're an ignorant fucktard, listen to your asswhipe whinging.

Just post the links and shut up!

1:49 AM  

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